Here I sit at 11:27p.m., thinking. I am not thinking too hard just replaying memories in my head like an old fashioned movie. A string instunment plays my background music, most likely a violin, accompanied with a harp gently plucking its strings. Probably a sound track that I have heard. Smoke from the cigarette swrils in the air, from just sitting in the ashtray. I haven't really even smoked it that much. The drawing that completed sits on the coffee table. All the lights in the house are out. The fish tank, that holds Ocsar, is the only lighting except from the computer screen. I can hear the fan that runs above me along with the pump and filter system on the tank. It is kinda soothing. My brain is full- almost to the max, it seems. A year and two months ago, life was simple, almost. I had my disagreements with my folks and had petty fights with my little brother; but nothing major. I had my college class schedule worked out. My job as a hostess. There was some minor antiscipation and fear about my first college day approaching- but that was normal. My friends were all around me. We were on good terms, and always hung out; either to the movies, church or good ol' Ruby Tuesday. None of my pals were headed off too far from home for school. Nikki and Sam were going to WOLBI. Miki and Ashley were attending my school, USF. Melody was completing her senior year at LCS. Amber was married and staying in Lakeland. Yet it all changed... I made on stupid decision to go behind my parents back and ended up loosing a lot. My family's trust. My friends trust. My full ride to school. That check that was going to come every semester, worth 2,000 dollars due to scholarships that I had earned. I lost my simple life. I lost the things that I loved, and I hurt those that I cared about. All for a jerk of a guy, who ended in jail. Looking back, I do regret that decision. Oh, it wasn't the only dumb thing I've done- that was just the starting point, I guess. Alot can happen in a single year. It isn't as long as you think. I tried to get right, but screwed up again. All decisions come with consequences: wether good or bad are up to you. I am no saint. I will mess up and have. It took me nearly 4 months to get talking back to my parents. My brother actually spoke to me for the first time in a long while just a few days ago. That high that I recieved from hearing my little brother's voice and being able to talk to my Dad and Mom was one that no drug can give you. (I am not saying that I have been on drugs-- just to clear the air.) Choices can hurt. I know. They don't just hurt yourself but those you are closest to, the ones you don't even want to hurt. My warning: Be careful with your life. It is only a vapor and you can't get any of it back. I am sorry for the hurt that I have caused; I regret the pain that came with it for those that surrouned me. I am glad to have such a great bunch of people who, even after I screwed up mulitple times, still give me a lending hand. I am lucky... |